skylandwarrior: (Default)
Though honestly, I don't think I can call it jealousy… I think it's more… feeling left out? Abandoned? It's stupid, I know… But I just… I get so paranoid that something is going to happen to our friendship again, I know for fact I could not handle that a second time around… I know that by acting the way I want to about the way I feel will only push her away and leave me still losing in the end… She deserves to be able to hang out with other people, to get out of her shithole of a home… But like I said, I just get so paranoid that I'm going to be forgotten or something. Be replaced… Maybe it's from when she was… not ignoring me for the others, but… That's what it felt like… Since all that shit my paranoia level is at an all time high and I feel like shit more and more each day about it. It's stupid, I know but I can't for the life of me push it aside. I'm honestly in a horrible mood most of the time because I feel so shitty about the thoughts that I have. I wish I could just forget about it most days, but I just.. I don't know. I'm so tired of the breakdowns and feeling the way I do, and I should just talk to her about this shit… but how do you bring that up without looking like an ass?… You don't. It'll only ruin things faster...
skylandwarrior: (Default)
So here it is, 4am and I'm pretty sure sleep won't come anytime soon. It's one of those nights again. Just lying here in bed, feeling like shit for a number of reasons. Feeling angry at nothing in particular. The thoughts are there again, the contemplation of what method would be best. Hanging myself seems out of the question, knowing my luck something would go wrong and I would only get stuck. Cutting might be easy; it would hurt, but only for a minute. Carbon monoxide seems the most ideal, but that would be tricky. There are other ideas, each with their equal amounts of pros and cons.

You know... Some say suicide is a coward's way out. But how is that so? Who decides this? I think it takes courage. Death is so permanent... And it's such a desperation. A person hits such a low point that they can't even talk to someone else about what's wrong, what the fuck makes that cowardly? Nothing if you ask me. People need to stop fucking judging things they don't understand. Jfc.

I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this rambley post. I guess I just need to do something to prevent myself from going insane. I sort of feel like a whiney 20 year old who's nervous as fuck about real life responsibilities, yet can't talk about that to anyone. Like I need a job, but I don't want to get a job. I'm afraid of nothing being able to do it, along with something else I can't quite put my finger on. I don't think I'll be able to handle that and school, but no job means no transportation money. But... I also feel so unmotivated. I don't know why. Who doesn't like having some money? Part of me feels like working while in school will really put me off the deep end though.

I'm beginning to think that death in the upcoming months, maybe years, is inevitable. It's more and more tempting with each passing day. I don't know how much longer I'll feel guilty about leaving people behind, but I'm starting to picture it all in my head. If I time it right, I'll be able to get out of here.
skylandwarrior: (Default)
I know I had said I would do this daily, but let's face it; who the fuck wants to do that?

So instead, we'll leave it more strictly as a vent log. It's easier than my actual journal, and a touch more convenient and easier to hide. No one I know exists here, so no one that matters is reading.


My main issue today… Well, I'll admit, I feel rather stupid about it. My best friend went to stay at another friend of ours this past day or so, and I… I don't want to say I'm annoyed about it, because I"m not nor do I have the right to be.. But I'm more… Worried? Feel left out? I don't know how to describe it really. It's like, the three of us are friends, and even thought I would NOT want to go out to her house, I can't help but feel left out or whatever… I've always felt like a third wheel with those two, and for some reason or another, I feel like shit today because she's over there. LOL I feel like a schmuck just typing this up. Seriously, what's wrong with me? Why should I even? Good for her, she's getting out of that shit hole that she lives in now, I should be happy…

But I'm not. And I really, REALLY wish I knew why...
skylandwarrior: (Default)
Sort of trying to make it a habit to post an entry a day. Not sure how well that'll go, but why not?


Uhm… Topic of the day would probably be my dad. My mom and I had a rather long conversation today about him. I think she tries to lighten the situation with him a bit, I don't think she likes the idea of me hating him. But I'm older now, and I see things in a different perspective. I can understand now that he treats people like shit, but expects respect in return. He's inconsiderate of others and a user and a thief. He's not afraid to steal from his own grandparents for personal gain, when the things he stole meant so much to them. He alienated and abused his son, he pressures his youngest daughter, and shows no pride unless it's hypocritical in me. He doesn't know how to relate to me in the least, and it was so awkward the last time I saw him.

That's another thing.

He had come down the weekend of my birthday, and part of me thought that was the reason he came. But no, I found out he was here because there was a motorcycle for sale and he wanted to snag it. He's a fool, really. He thinks he can make a living off of selling bikes up in hilly billy hell instead of getting a real job, which in the ends screws me over in so many ways. He's supposed to provide me with health insurance, but now I have nothing. He's supposed to help pay for the college tuition, but he's not doing that either. My mom can not seem to grasp the idea of me not wanting ANYTHING to do with him, but I just… I don't. I don't care about him. I don't want anything to do with him in the least. I even told her today that if something were to happen to him, I don't want to be the one to make any medical decisions. I could care less about who makes funeral arrangements.

I know, I'm 'young and don't know what I'm talking about'. But he's an ass, and quiet frankly, I don't think he deserves a minute of my time…



Also, I am going to smell like mulch for the next week BC
skylandwarrior: (Default)
Well, it certainly has been a… very long while since I've been on here. I'm honestly surprised that I still remembered my account username and password.


First on the agenda- I have completed my first two years of college and now have my associates degree! Big whoop, right? Now I'm at the next stage of my life where I'll be going to an actual art school next semester. There's a few problems, however…

Problem number one? I'm terrified. My art isn't anywhere near good enough, and I have a sickening feeling in my stomach about professors who are still in the field judging it. I know they're there to teach me, and I'm there to learn, but I can't help but feel really nervous about it. I hadn't felt this way up until a few days ago, and now I'm second guessing myself on whether or not I should even still be going to college. The expense of it has caused nothing but issues in my household, and applying for scholarships is tricky. Especially when none of the sites will load. My mom is in an absolute bitch mood, and it makes me not want to talk to her, or even be near her. And surprise surprise, we had another fight tonight. It sucks she doesn't have work tomorrow so that I could at least have the house to myself. This summer is going to kill me. I can't spend four days in a row with here, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Unless of course I get a job, which is a whole other talk show.

I'm nervous as hell about that as well, though i'm not entirely sure why. I'm sure my mom would just tell me I'm lazy, but the idea of working scares me. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of royally screwing up like I'm sure I will, or not being able to learn what they're trying to teach me, especially the cash register? I dunno, that makes me super nervous. I have to help train a new volunteer next weekend at PetSmart, and just that has me nervous. That, however, is probably my shyness kicking in though. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I feel like I'd just embarrass myself at a job… And then there's also figuring out where I want to work: I know, I shouldn't be picky, but there are just some things I can't bring myself to do. I can't work in a fast food restaurant, I just can not. I can't work at 5 Below, I'm not entirely keen on working with friends. It may be fun, but again, I'd be so afraid of screwing up in front of them. I'd rather do that in front of work friends, if that makes sense?? I'd love to work at PetSmart, to be honest. The only thing that concerns me is that I might be seeing Fuck Face McGee more often, which could be both a good and bad thing. A good thing because it'll really stick it to her, a bad thing because I would have to 'serve' her if she needed something. Not to mention the second to last encounter I had with her resulted in a complete and utter breakdown. So, I guess we'll see.

I honestly wish my mom would stop bugging me about it, especially in front of my friends. I think it's rude, to be quite frank. And I wish I could talk to her about the way I feel about it, but I know it'll only result in her telling me to suck it up, it's life. I won't get a single ounce of confidence or help from her.


The last thing I'll address tonight is the thoughts. Lately it's dawned on me that carbon monoxide poisoning would be the easiest way out. Though it would be tricky, I'd have to wait for my mom to go out and leave the car, it would be the easiest way for me to escape. How long could it take anyway? A hour? Seems more practically to me than slicing my arms the other way, or trying to overdose on something, or even hang myself. It's not all the time that I think about this, but it's frequent enough.

I suppose only time will tell, right?

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