skylandwarrior: (Default)
So here it is, 4am and I'm pretty sure sleep won't come anytime soon. It's one of those nights again. Just lying here in bed, feeling like shit for a number of reasons. Feeling angry at nothing in particular. The thoughts are there again, the contemplation of what method would be best. Hanging myself seems out of the question, knowing my luck something would go wrong and I would only get stuck. Cutting might be easy; it would hurt, but only for a minute. Carbon monoxide seems the most ideal, but that would be tricky. There are other ideas, each with their equal amounts of pros and cons.

You know... Some say suicide is a coward's way out. But how is that so? Who decides this? I think it takes courage. Death is so permanent... And it's such a desperation. A person hits such a low point that they can't even talk to someone else about what's wrong, what the fuck makes that cowardly? Nothing if you ask me. People need to stop fucking judging things they don't understand. Jfc.

I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this rambley post. I guess I just need to do something to prevent myself from going insane. I sort of feel like a whiney 20 year old who's nervous as fuck about real life responsibilities, yet can't talk about that to anyone. Like I need a job, but I don't want to get a job. I'm afraid of nothing being able to do it, along with something else I can't quite put my finger on. I don't think I'll be able to handle that and school, but no job means no transportation money. But... I also feel so unmotivated. I don't know why. Who doesn't like having some money? Part of me feels like working while in school will really put me off the deep end though.

I'm beginning to think that death in the upcoming months, maybe years, is inevitable. It's more and more tempting with each passing day. I don't know how much longer I'll feel guilty about leaving people behind, but I'm starting to picture it all in my head. If I time it right, I'll be able to get out of here.


skylandwarrior: (Default)

October 2014

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