Well, it certainly has been a… very long while since I've been on here. I'm honestly surprised that I still remembered my account username and password.
First on the agenda- I have completed my first two years of college and now have my associates degree! Big whoop, right? Now I'm at the next stage of my life where I'll be going to an actual art school next semester. There's a few problems, however…
Problem number one? I'm terrified. My art isn't anywhere near good enough, and I have a sickening feeling in my stomach about professors who are still in the field judging it. I know they're there to teach me, and I'm there to learn, but I can't help but feel really nervous about it. I hadn't felt this way up until a few days ago, and now I'm second guessing myself on whether or not I should even still be going to college. The expense of it has caused nothing but issues in my household, and applying for scholarships is tricky. Especially when none of the sites will load. My mom is in an absolute bitch mood, and it makes me not want to talk to her, or even be near her. And surprise surprise, we had another fight tonight. It sucks she doesn't have work tomorrow so that I could at least have the house to myself. This summer is going to kill me. I can't spend four days in a row with here, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Unless of course I get a job, which is a whole other talk show.
I'm nervous as hell about that as well, though i'm not entirely sure why. I'm sure my mom would just tell me I'm lazy, but the idea of working scares me. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of royally screwing up like I'm sure I will, or not being able to learn what they're trying to teach me, especially the cash register? I dunno, that makes me super nervous. I have to help train a new volunteer next weekend at PetSmart, and just that has me nervous. That, however, is probably my shyness kicking in though. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I feel like I'd just embarrass myself at a job… And then there's also figuring out where I want to work: I know, I shouldn't be picky, but there are just some things I can't bring myself to do. I can't work in a fast food restaurant, I just can not. I can't work at 5 Below, I'm not entirely keen on working with friends. It may be fun, but again, I'd be so afraid of screwing up in front of them. I'd rather do that in front of work friends, if that makes sense?? I'd love to work at PetSmart, to be honest. The only thing that concerns me is that I might be seeing Fuck Face McGee more often, which could be both a good and bad thing. A good thing because it'll really stick it to her, a bad thing because I would have to 'serve' her if she needed something. Not to mention the second to last encounter I had with her resulted in a complete and utter breakdown. So, I guess we'll see.
I honestly wish my mom would stop bugging me about it, especially in front of my friends. I think it's rude, to be quite frank. And I wish I could talk to her about the way I feel about it, but I know it'll only result in her telling me to suck it up, it's life. I won't get a single ounce of confidence or help from her.
The last thing I'll address tonight is the thoughts. Lately it's dawned on me that carbon monoxide poisoning would be the easiest way out. Though it would be tricky, I'd have to wait for my mom to go out and leave the car, it would be the easiest way for me to escape. How long could it take anyway? A hour? Seems more practically to me than slicing my arms the other way, or trying to overdose on something, or even hang myself. It's not all the time that I think about this, but it's frequent enough.
I suppose only time will tell, right?
